How Sex and Dating Affect the Success of Single Parent Kids

Tip #5

Don't be a serial dater. Don't bring every new crush home. And most importantly don't date too soon.

I learned this the hard way. When my marriage ended in 1999 I was forced to pack up and move from Fort Lauderdale, Florida to Huntingdon, Pennsylvania. We moved the week after Christmas. It was cold and gloomy. My rickety jeep bumped along I-95 and as I drove I could feel the lonely creeping into my bones. I could feel that need to be loved and held. It was a craving.

Within two months I found myself dating. I felt beautiful and sexy again. Problem solved?

No. Problem created. I made the huge mistake of introducing this (albeit sweet) but strange man to my kids. I'll never forget sitting at his beautiful cabin eating spaghetti and garlic bread with some nice red wine. It seemed idyllic until I noticed my small son glaring with pure hatred and confusion at both me and this man. I mean this kid had the look of Linda Blair in the exorcist.

His head was spinning-he was spitting pea soup and groping for the proverbial ax!

In no uncertain terms he let me know that this WAS NOT his Dad. Nor ever would be. He started acting out at home so badly. I lost complete control of my normally sweet son. He screamed at me and began to pick viscous fights with his sister. He refused to listen to anything I said.

Yet I selfishly kept dating this guy for another few months.

Finally, finally, we broke up and I realized that it was simply too soon for my kids to handle a new man. They hadn't even had a chance to deal with their newly fractured family. At that point I decided to never bring a date into their lives until I had already decided the man was A. worthy and B. Serious enough to introduce.

Now that's not to say I didn't date. Of course, I'm human. Honestly there was a time period in my mid thirties when I went back to college. Let's just say I had a smorgasbord of beautiful younger men. It was fantastic and fun and wild and it was all of those things outside of my home and late at night when it wasn't taking time from my kids. Point being you don't have to give up your sexuality but you do have to curb it and keep it away from the youngsters. You can have all the crispy bacon you want-just don't fry it up in the home pan ya'll!!

Over the years during my stint as a mental health case worker for children and youth I've watched single parents bring people in and out-in and out of their kids lives. The kid gets attached somewhat to the new "other" things don't work out-they lose another piece of humanity. Then we bring in someone new and the cycle begins again. The fact is that when you bring someone into your home they are not invested in your kid's happiness and well being unless they have already progressed to the serious stage. They just aren't. That doesn't make them bad people it just makes them human.

I truly credit my choice to live this way to one of the reasons my kids turned out to be so stable and grounded. Home life was consistent as children need and crave it to be and you'll be setting a good example for their future.

I say all this with the caveat that it's easier said than done. I had lonely nights for sure. But I've also seen through peers and family of mine the heartache they've brought on kids with serial dating habits. One gal I know has gone from man to man to man. She breaks up with one-kicks him out-within the month she's moving another guy into her home. Needless to say she's having some serious problems with her teen daughter. And this is a woman who loves her child dearly, yet she can't seem to take a break from men because her self worth is somehow attached to being in a relationship.

Being alone is like any other thing worth having. It takes discipline. You have to learn to love yourself enough to know that it's ok not to be attached at the hip. When the time is right you'll meet that special someone but until then I say keep your eyes on the true prize-your children. If you do wait until your kids are ready you'll also find that you will have had time to heal. You'll be in a better place of strength and readiness to date.

Finally, on an end note a few funny things that happened to me with the few guys I did bring home.

Guy # 1. I was really really into this one but career demands eventually took us to opposite parts of the country. So he comes to pick me up for a dinner date. We share a cup of coffee and chat for a few moments as we waited for the babysitter to come. Meanwhile my son goes out to the car and decorates it with tampons. Pretty pink Playtex on the windshield and roof. And for added pizzaz he even took the time to explode some of the old OB's I had by getting them wet. Fun times.

Guy # 2 I truly loved and still do to this day. He flies up from Florida to visit. I pull out all the stops aka "Mom's cooking? Is it Christmas or what?" I buy an expensive pork roast which I plan to cook jerk style. One of the kids lets the our dog into the kitchen. I round the corner-curlers in hair-makeup in hand-to find Gillmore the pitbull proudly carting off the pork roast. I didn't have any other food to make. So I get the roast from her and wash it and wash it and dip it in boiling water to disinfect it and then I roast the darn thing. So we're all sitting there with this beautiful meat and the kids are like "I'll just have mashed potatoes ma." Handsome Irish man shrugs, eats all the pork and loves it...we go on to date for several years and while we're no longer together we are still dear friends.

The reason I think this is so important is because it teaches your kids to date for quality not quantity. They learn by your example that your own life should be fulfilling and full of joy to the point where you don't have to desperately go trolling for a relationship to fill a void. They learn to stay focused personal development. Of course, again, this requires parental discipline as well. When the 12 year olds where "dating" I made it clear that my kids were not going to be dating until they were at least 16 and then only if it fit around their lives. I never allowed them to cancel on sports or study to date.

That's it for tip number # 5.